I Plead Temporary Insanity

Hello all,

So the following piece of writing is one that i did very much in the moment. i wrote it at i point where i felt truly awful about myself. it will probably read like a 16 year old's angst filled diary entry, but i will share it with you to show how volatile my relationship with my appearance is. today i feel ok, good even, I'm just me, i look like how i look everyday and I'm mostly ok with that but only a few days ago i felt like this:

As I write this I am watching super size vs super skinny on channel four, I watch it every week, and to be honest I don’t know why because every week it makes me feel the same way.  I’m sitting almost shaking with nerves, seeing my self in the very over weight people paraded in front of the camera in an almost freak show like manner. I see my reflection in every single one of them. I just think I look exactly the same. The more I watch the more nervous I get and it feels like my heart hurts. Then when they are introduced to there equally unhealthy counter parts I’m ashamed to say I am jealous f there flat stomachs and distinctive facial bones.

Its strange I know I am smaller than the very large subjects of this documentary, but I just see so much of me in them. I have my abscess like fold in my tummy where it meats my genitals. And I feel my large breasts heavy on my chest; my chin seems to be blowing up like a seaside dingy. The way I feel inside my skin changes so much in just this one hour this show runs.

Why do I feel like this? Its not rational. Today I ate well, I Had nice yummy food I enjoyed it, it was healthy. But I panic that the tuna salad I had for tea was to big and that maybe I shouldn’t have had two slices of toast at lunch that one would have sufficed.

This makes no sense because if you were to talk to me in my  more lucid moments I would say, ye him a bit fat, but if I just stabilised my weight I would be happy with the way I look…I think. Would I? Is it ok to be my size?

That’s what I wonder is it ok to be my size.  Well is it? Sadly that is a question only I can answer, but I don’t know I ever will, as clearly the question is less about biology and more about psychology.

It is embarrassing for me to write this because it seems so irrational and yet even as I read this back and smirk at how ridiculous it sounds in my heart I still feel like a little useless girl stuck in a monstrous body.   

I feel fine now, but its mad isn't it how some things we watch or read ect, can totally change our state of mind, even if only for a short time. I hope other people feel the same way sometimes haha! and that I'm not just very easily effected by things around me. i imagine as always many people can relate.

xx